5秒笑到断气的英语

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1、周而复始

老王在树下休息，老李走过来对他说：“嗨，为什么不去上山砍柴？” 老王说：“砍柴干什么？” 老李说：“好卖钱啊。卖到钱就可以买驴，再沿家挨户卖柴。挣了钱就再 买卡车，然后买木厂卖木 器，再买更多的卡车，那样就可以发大财了。” 老王问：“发了财干什么？” 老李答：“发了财就可 以逍遥自在地享清福嘛。” 老王说：“那你以为我现在在干什么？”

1, round and round

Lao wang rested under the tree, Lao li came up and said, "hey, why not go up the hill cutting wood?" Pharaoh said: "cut wood stem what?" Lao li said: "good money! Sold into money can buy a donkey, then along home door-to-door selling wood. Zheng money will buy trucks, and then buy wood factory sells wooden ware, buy more trucks, so that you can be really rich." The old king: "fortune"? Lao li answer: "fortune can be to free and unfettered freely do well." Pharaoh said, "that you think I doing now?"

2、甲鱼风波

甲鱼又叫团鱼或鳖，俗称王八。味鲜美，价昂贵。“吃的不买，买的不吃”， 实乃高级礼品，公关丑 星。 某乡派数人携众鳖入城进贡。因其重量不同，又须按“职”分配，为免差错计，故将官 号写于纸上，贴于鳖背。 ……至机关干部住宅楼前，天已晚。不料竹篓倾覆，众甲鱼乘暮色争相逃命，乡人一片 惊呼：“赵局长”跑啦!——那个块头最大的。 快抓住“钱处长”——小心它咬手。 那墙角里黑乎乎的，莫非是“孙科长”?“李秘书”个头小，爬得快，怕是找不到了。

2, turtle storm

Turtle and call TuanYu or turtle, commonly known as the tortoise. Taste delicious, the price is expensive. "Eat not to buy, buy the do not eat", solid senior gifts, pr ugly stars. MouXiang sent several people join the turtle into town tribute. Because of its different weights, and must according to "responsibility" distribution, in order to avoid mistakes plan, therefore, JiangGuan written in paper, stick at turtle's back. ... To government cadres residential against the building, it is late. Behold, all the turtle piggy overthrown by the dusk scramble to flee for life, XiangRen a exclaimed, "zhao chief" run! The bigger the biggest. - Catch "money director" - be careful it bites the hand. The corner of the mariposa rushed, murphy is "Samson section chief"? "Secretary li"'s smaller, climb quickly, afraid that I can't find it.

3、迟了

在地铁里，一位男子发现扒手正在掏他的钱包，便幽默地说： “老兄，你来晚了！我今天虽然领 了薪水，但我太太下手比你快 多了！”

3, late

In the subway, a man found pickpocket is cutting his wallet, and humorously said: "man, you came to night! I today although took salary, but my wife lay more quickly than you!"

4、情书

小伙子在给女朋友的信中写到：“爱你爱得如此之深， 以至愿为你赴汤蹈火。星期六如不下雨，我一定来。

4, love letter

Guy in the letters to his girlfriend wrote: "love your love so much, that would like to give you go through hell. On Saturday as it does not rain, I'll come.

5、无理抱怨

两个人一起吃饭，只有两条鱼，一大一小。一位先把大 的吃了，另一位勃然大怒。”多不合适！”他抱怨说。”怎 么了？”另一位问。”你吃掉了那条大的，如果我是你就不 会这样做。””你会怎 样呢？””我当然是先吃小的。”” 那好哇，你抱怨什么，那条小鱼不是还在那里吗！”

5 and irrational complain

Two people eat together, only two fish, a great and a small. A first big eat, another flew into a rage. "Not more suitable!" He complains. "How yao?" Another asked. "You ate that big, if I were you, I would not do so." "How would you like?" "Of course I is first eat small." "That good, you complained, the fish is still there!"

6、为您保密

甲：”这件事我只告诉你一人，请你千万为我保密。" 乙：”放心，不但我要为你保密，我还要告诉大家都来为你保密。”

6, for your confidential

A: "this matter I just tell you one person, you must the secret for me." B: "trust, not only I want secret for you, I will tell everybody to be secret for you."

7、擦玻璃

父亲走进儿子的房间，夸奖道：干得好，儿子！窗户又干净又明亮，你是用肥皂水擦的吗？ 儿子：没有，爸爸，我用的是锤子。

7, wipe glass

Father entered the son's room, praise, way: well done, son! The window and clean and bright, you are using soap water wipe? Son: no, dad, I am using a sledgehammer.

8、开学

小学开学了，刚满6岁的冬冬不肯到学校上学。妈妈向冬冬解释，小朋友满6岁就要去上学，一直到15岁。最后冬冬终于在书桌前坐下来，满含热泪地问：等我15岁的时候，您会记得来接我吗？

8, opening

Elementary school begins, just over 6 years old of winter winter will not come to school. Mother to dongdong explanation, children with 6 years old shall go to school, until 15 years old. Last winter winter finally before desk sat down and full of tears to ask: when I was 15, you will remember pick me up?

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英语幽默笑话5分钟

　1.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.'

　这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”

　2.Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red?

　Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight.

　Mother: That's a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting?

　Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith.

　妈妈：弗雷迪，你的脸为什么那么红?

　弗雷迪：我刚才在大街上跑，为的是阻止一次打架?

　妈妈：你做的对，谁和谁在打架。

　弗雷迪：我和杰克·史密斯。

　3.A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation.

　After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. 'I'd rather not,', the clergyman said, ' I don't want Him to know I'm here.'

　一位著名牧师和他教区的几位老人出席城外会议直到天黑才开完会，他们打算在回家前吃点东西。但很不巧只有一家名声不好的下等酒吧烤菜馆开着门。

　饭后，一位老人要牧师祈祷。“我想我是免了，”牧师说。“我不想让主知道我在这里。”

　4.Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?

　Jack: Certainly.

　Tom: And why?

　Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.

　汤姆：威廉向我借五英镑。我该不该借给他?

　杰克：当然应该了。

　汤姆：为什么?

　杰克：否则他就该跟我借了。

　5.

　I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded.

　'Why are you so nervous?' I asked him.

　'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my usband confessed.

　我陪丈夫一起出差，他带着他的手提式计算机。机场出口处检查员要他打开包。他耐心的等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回想起暗锁的密码。最后他终于想起来了。

　“你为什么那么紧张呢?”我问他。

　“这密码是我们结婚纪念日。”他承认道

　6. An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman:' How much this stuff?'

　'Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap.' The lady said, 'It is too much, give it to me for fourteen.' 'I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven.'

　'It is still too much,' replied the old lady, 'give it to me for five.'

　一位耳聋并且总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。

　她问店员：“这东西要多少钱?”

　“七美元，太太，这是很便宜的。” 老太太说：“太贵了，十四美元差不多。”

　店员忙说：“我没说十七美元，是七美元。”

　“还是太贵，”老太太说：“五美元，我就买啦。”

　7.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?

　Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.

　妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的?

　汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了

　8.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

　On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'

　My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'

　一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”

　我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了?”

　9.Mr. Johnson: Are you using you mower this afternoon?

　Mr.Smith: Yes.

　Mr.Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won't be needing it?

　约翰逊先生：今天下午你准备用割草机吗?

　史密斯先生：是的。

　约翰逊先生：太好了。既然您不用网球拍，那我可以借用一下吗?

　10.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.

　'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.'

　'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.

　玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟，一天对他抱怨说：“我希望有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”

　“不用担心，亲爱的，所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”他笑着说。

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